Age is Just a Number: 80 Funny Quotes About Getting Old

Many people fear growing older. Whether they fear the loss of their appearance or their ability to do the things they used to, the fear is the same. But growing older doesn’t have to be so scary. There are funny moments too. It just takes some work to remember the good moments.

These 80 funny quotes about getting old help you to keep a positive look on your aging process. You may never be young again, but aging doesn’t have to be sad times.

80 Funny Quotes About Getting Old

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1. “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” – Kitty O’Neill Collins
2. “I am not afraid of aging, but more afraid of people’s reactions to my aging.” – Barbara Hershey
3. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller
4. “If you’re always battling against getting older, you’re always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow.” – Mitch Albom
5. “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
6. “Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
7. “Old age comes on suddenly, and not gradually as is thought.” – Emily Dickinson
8. “He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.” – George Burns
9. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen
10. “The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.” – Madeleine L’Engle
11. “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
12. “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Claude Pepper
13. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin
14. “I don’t let my age define me but the side-effects are getting harder to ignore.” – Unknown
15. “I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.” – George Burns
16. “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney
17. “The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see.” – Julian Clary
18. “I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror.” – Cherie Lunghi
19. “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” – Rita Rudner
20. “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing. No one should grow old who isn’t ready to appear ridiculous.” – John Mortimer
21. “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.” – Bette Midler
22. “I never thought getting older would be so great. But when it comes to depression, I have experienced less the older I’ve gotten.” – Amy Grant
23. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and the I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
24. “You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
25. “The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” – T.S. Elliot
26. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
27. “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” – Will Rogers
28. “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg
29. “I have a great curiosity to see new things, but not to own them. It’s very peaceful this way, and one of the nice things about getting older.” – Lee Radziwill
30. “I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.” – Rodney Dangerfield
31. “Old age is no place for sissies.” – Bette Davis
32. “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” – Jennifer Yane
33. “Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” – George Burns
34. “Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.” – Coco Chanel
35. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
36. “The idea is to die young as late as possible.” – Ashley Montagu
37. “As we grow older, our capacity for enjoyment shrinks, but not our appetite for it.” – Mignon McLaughlin
38. “In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order.” – Robert Brault
39. “One thing I’ve noticed about getting older, it takes twice as much work to get half the results one formerly achieved by falling out of bed.” – Josh Lanyon
40. “My face carries all my memories. Why would I erase them?” – Diane von Furstenberg
41. “When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.” – Will Rogers
42. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope
43. “The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
44. “If you’re not getting older, you’re dead.” – Tom Petty
45. “Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs.” – Charles Dickens
46. “Life’s tragedy is that we get too old soon and wise too late.” – Benjamin Franklin
47. “We are always the same age inside.” – Gertrude Stein
48. “As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.” – Robert Quillen
49. “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” – Billy Crystal
50. “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” – Theodore Roosevelt
51. “Age is a high price to pay for maturity.” – Tom Stoppard
52. “I guess I don’t so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.” – Benjamin Franklin
53. “I’m 60 years of age. That’s 16 Celsius.” – George Carlin
54. “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” – John Wagner
55. “There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.” – P.G. Wodehouse
56. “No one is as old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.” – Henry David Thoreau
57. “I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.” – Benjamin Franklin
58. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” – Woody Allen
59. “I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” – Albert Einstein
60. “Old age comes at a bad time.” – San Banducci
61. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut
62. “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” – Ogden Nash
63. “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” – Bob Hope
64. “The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.” – Jerry M. Wright
65. “There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg
66. “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller
67. “In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order.” – Robert Brault
68. “By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” – George Burns
69. “Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.” – Truman Capote
70. “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” – Golda Meir
71. “Age is not how old you are but how many years of fun you’ve had.” – Matt Maldre
72. “We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” – Pablo Picasso
73. “Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns
74. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
75. “Few people know how to be old.” – Francois de la Rochefoucauld
76. “Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” – Maggie Kuhn
77. “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.” – Tom Wilson
78. “Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.” – Unknown
79. “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” – Ann Landers
80. “Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.” – Walt Disney